Alcoholism and Me

“Be around others similarly afflicted but who have recovered. And often.Seven days without such company will make one weak.”

- Kieron Brady

By Kieron Brady - Former footballer at Sunderland AFC and ireland, Alcoholism Consultant, and Public Speaker.

It is approximately 7am on May 13th, 2008 in North London.

Adjacent to a hotel, within a free kick of Wembley Stadium, I sit alone on a wall, my closest companion a four pack of Stella which has just been purchased from a nearby off licence. Having woken from my slumber around 6.45am I complied with the first, and insanely intense, thought in my mind - I need a drink.

This, for me, represented alcoholism at its most ferocious. Whenever I woke up after a night of excess the desire for alcohol was beyond description. No longer was I inclined to consider the norms of hangover solution - strong coffee, a litre of water, a cold shower or a blend of each. In looking out the hotel window and realising that there was alcohol accessible within minutes there is a fusion of elation and relief that is indescribable. Even before the alcohol enters my system the effects of the previous days excess begin to erode, replaced by the sheer release that comes in the knowledge that my 'best friend' is close at hand. This is my alcoholism, how it manipulates my mind, how it dominates any other thoughts to them being redundant.

It is approximately 7pm on the evening of May 12th, 2008. Twelve hours before the aforesaid.

I am in attendance at a party in 10 Downing Street - shirt, tie and suit - being hosted by then Prime Minister Gordon Brown, my presence requested in order to be recognised for the work I have undertaken in challenging prejudice and discrimination. Prior to arrival I have had around six pints in an hour or so. Within moments, and after having taken advantage of the governmental boozy benevolence I will depart the scene but not before allegedly swearing at the Prime Minister and causing a security breach at one of the worlds foremost political residences.

This is my alcoholism - in 12 hours I can be lauded by the Prime Minister and the great and good of the footballing fraternity, then intoxicated, annoying, roaming the streets of the 'Big smoke', comatose, awake before 7am and within moments comforted by a can of lager whilst resembling the local vagrant - jogging bottoms and shoes with the white shirt from the previous evening's assembly - a social misfit whose only solace comes through liquor. Subsequent to this I am suspended from work for my shameful behaviour and, temporarily at least, shunned by those in close proximity for conduct unbecoming in such company.

This offers an insight into the frequent rise and fall of the alcoholic, less than half a day from being a toast of tolerance to the ostracized dypsomaniac. Many of you will have experienced rue and regret when rising from the ashes of a works night. I am different, I am indifferent simply because any shame I feel is wholly overpowered by the compulsion to supplement the alcohol still permeating through my body and mind from hours before.

This is one alcoholic incident, it spectacularly illustrates how the alcoholic can utilise talents to cultivate a life and future but is able to deconstruct and demolish both in such a short and catastrophic period. It was, certainly for me, just one of many events that typifies the mindset of the alcoholic. Moreover, when I woke the morning after that, May 14th, by which time I was back home, my insitinctive thoughts were not around possible employment termination, it was 'Is there a drink downstairs'?.

I never asked for the mind that compels such actions, I also cannot put any specific date on when I transcended the threshold from one classification of drinker to alcoholic. Most cannot, they simply look back and locate periods when their intake became more extreme and the desire increasingly intense. Nor, are they able to explore external circumstances, possibly citing local issues, and move away in the knowledge that creating distance negates the alcoholism. If it were that simple, and considering the intensity, I would have a passport stamped with almost every nation state in order for me to seek pastures new to continue drinking.

In addition, I am not an alcoholic because of any seminal event in life. Often posed the question - 'Do you think you are an alcoholic because you had to stop playing football at 21'?. Whilst such a query offers the temptation for self pity it would be wrong to answer yes. Simply, there are thousands of former footballers who were forced to retire prematurely. Not all are alcoholics, even if some detected solace in alcohol in light of such unwelcome news. It is an important part of alcoholism and advising people on recovery, to dissuade them from any belief that states 'I am an alcoholic because.....' before regaling an incident or instance of adversity. In short, 'you' are an alcoholic because it has been predisposed since conception. Of course events may determine we opt for alcohol to suppress angst or hurt but look back, revisit the past with honesty and we find that we got drunk when life was good, bad, indifferent. I got drunk when life was swimming, sinking or meandering. I got drunk at a funeral as easily as I did at a christening. Basically. I got drunk because I am an alcoholic and it is what we do. It is in the spec.

Whilst assisting in the recovery of alcoholics I frequently encounter excuses, they dictate 'I drink a lot because I am depressed, anxious, stressed, paranoid, he or she nags at me all the time, the boss is having a go at me etc.

Sit back a second, reflect and examine whether this has merits 'No, I am depressed, anxious, stressed, paranoid because I drink a lot'. 

If you ever locate the courage for the latter then recovery is always possible. Recovery is based on honesty and humility as much as any perception of willpower. It may necessitate a level of honesty that is without precedent, it is however integral to giving you the strength to stay stopped. The level of opposition you may encounter is sourced to alcoholism being the only illness that will convince you do not suffer from it. If you drink at 9am then your alcoholism tells you the alcoholic starts at 8am. If you are prone to being verbally abusive in drink then the alcoholic is violent, if you drink lager then of course all alcoholics consume spirits - ad nauseum.

Just over a year later, June 11th, the penultimate day of my drinking and I awaken at around 2.30am. I have been drinking alcohol, every waking hour, for two weeks and upon recognizing I have none instantly available in the house I have to contemplate alternatives to 'take the edge off'. I turn on the computer and research the alcoholic content of the various aftershaves I have within my possession. This is where alcoholism took me, I am wholly chained to it, mentally kowtowing before it until I can generate momentum and sobriety. I managed to avoid consuming after shave, I somehow endured the hours until I was able to go to the off licence and purchase alcohol in the traditional form.

The shop legally permitted to sell alcohol at 08.00.00, the receipt showing time of purchase at 08.00.12. Do I have to further illuminate the sheer urgency ?

Upon reading the last part - the episode of profound agitation and consumable aroma, you may deduce that such thoughts would never surface within you. Alas, that is not within your capabilities if afflicted with this illness. I first attempted to stop drinking in late 2007.

I, upon entering recovery, heard people speak of imprisonment, mental hospitals, job losses, broken homes, being in trouble with the police and other adversity. None of these repercussions had visited me as a result of my alcohol intake.

The wiser heads gave me what is arguably the greatest advice given to alcoholics who proffer 'That has never happened to me....'. Quite simply, they add the word yet.

Within 18 months, many of 'The Yets' were part of my drinking experience, the prophetic comments of the sober sages were bearing fruit. Before the after shave contemplation, prior to Downing Street and downing Stella, if I had been told of what would emerge my riposte would be 'I will stop if it ever gets to that stage'.

That however is to assert I have a choice. I do not. Alcohol may well appear to be my 'drug of choice'.

That is merely how it looks. The reality is it is my 'drug of no choice'. As soon as I consume alcohol the one thing that is lost is choice.